Can I be honest?

I’ve been wanting to write a blog. I’ve been wanting to sit down and write, give y’all an update of my life.
But as I sit here on this Sunday afternoon, I’m wondering why I want to write a blogpost.
To be honest, I’ve been really whinny. I’ve been feeling like I’m in transition, I’ve been wanting to run away. I’ve been feeling disconnected. I’ve been feeling lonely. I’ve been feeling unsatisfied. I’ve been feeling distant from God. I want more and I don’t know how to get there & what it is I want.

It’s hard to look back one year at where I was with World Race and not be upset that I’m just living & working in the States.

I know this is not my forever season. But it feels like I’m stuck and I’m here not really knowing why.
I’m working a job to get income for rent, food, gas, and coffee. Really, let’s be honest.
I feel like I’m loosing passion & that I don’t know how to find vision & go after dreams in my heart. I feel my dreams are too big for me to reach & I don’t know how to move toward them. (I guess it’s a good thing they are big dreams, but I’m left feeling hopeless in moving into them)

Yeah- I guess I’m feeling hopeless & less then.

Can I be even more honest?
I’ve been back in the States 9 (going on 10) months. I admit, it’s been a transition. It’s been smooth at times, rough & bumpy. It’s been strange, exciting, fun, exhilarating, scary, lonely, discouraging, dark, incredible and unexpected.

God has been quiet, straight to the point, steady & faithful.
I’ve felt mad, disappointed, hurt, forgotten, ignored, misunderstood, listened to, challenged, loved and held.

I got to go hiking with a new friend yesterday. I found out we are more alike than I knew. I had a difficult time piecing words together, but I got to see that God has been working deeper in my heart since all of last year and this year.
I’ve been in a heart surgery procedure for a good chunk of time. I am currently learning it’s okay to be in process – there’s no set timeline.

Before I started writing this post, I was debating whether I had anything encouraging to share. I want my post to be encouraging; I also want them to be real & honest. I knew I could write something half-heartedly honest and try my best to not include a thing negative.
Not to say negative is bad to share, but one thing God has been teaching me this year is to give my heart a voice. To share the thoughts & feelings, whether thy be classified as negative or positive.

So, I’ll end this post now.
Thank you, beautiful, important human for reading every one of these words I shared today.

 

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